Beijing Olympics 2012 – let ‘em have it
A controversial suggestion
But hear me out. Britain can’t afford it, doesn’t have the resources, manpower, or infrastructure. She also harbours dozens of terrorists rubbing their hands with glee at the opportunity to make a bang in the spotlight. Old Blighty badly needs an exit strategy, and this is it: send the Games back to where they came from.
Setting aside the pettiness of China’s hollow promises with regard to press freedom, the shabby treatment of many of its own citizens for extra presentation points, and some questionable practices in the name of gold, Beijing’s organisation of the Games themselves was outstanding. Plus, and here’s the real clincher, they’ve got a birdsnest lying around with nothing better to do other than accommodate the occasional interest of structural engineers looking for cracks in the architecture. Well, make ready with the Polyfilla boys, because you might be needing the nest for one more gathering of hatchlings.
The ultimate joint venture
Britain can spin it as the spirit of cooperation in a globally interdependent age and Beijing can propagandise the whole thing as ‘the west needs our help; benevolent, peace-loving China heeds the call’. Just imagine; both flags flying side by side. Hu and Brown (assuming he’s still inside No. 10) singing the Internationale at the opening ceremony, which would naturally include re-enactments of the Boxer Rebellion, the Opium Wars, and the handing over of Hong Kong. Personally, I would prefer a contemporary re-working of 6/4 with London buses replacing tanks. Probably a non-starter.
The possibilities are endless. Sino-UK relations can be cemented with the ceremonial return of a relic or two – a couple of opium pipes perhaps. On the athletic front, Liu Xiang would have a second chance on home soil, and He Kexin would get an opportunity to compete as a legally-aged gymnast. Further, Beijing taxi drivers can look forward to a gathering of easy victims the like of which they thought they’d never see again in their lifetimes.
And Beijing needn’t trouble itself over the cost of a fireworks display, they can just run the same footage as last year and call it ’environmental pyrotechnics.’ Residents of the capital will be delighted because the sky will turn blue again and they’ll be able to see their neighbours’ houses when they open the curtains in the morning.
Sure, there will be a few issues to smooth over - at which point the opium pipes might come in handy - but it’s a marriage made in heaven, I tell you. Somebody please forward this proposal to Boris, Seb, and Gordon right now. Seriously, can anyone see a downside here?