Go and read Jeremiah’s review of the October 1 fest over at Granite Studio. Pity we can’t comment there any more. Or is it?

Here’s a tiny snippet:

Did anybody else consider the possibility that Hu Jintao was pantless during his limo ride? Mao would have been. Count on it.

That made me laugh; and there’s a lot more to enjoy as Jeremiah takes apart the paranoia and the propaganda of last Thursday’s grand production. Go take a look.

http://www.chinabooks.ch/

The law in China may be developing fast, but that development is going to have to overcome a couple of stumbling blocks before changes to the judicial system can be taken seriously by both Chinese and non-Chinese alike.

First, Chinese citizens need confidence that the law will be enforced without discrimination and that the country’s legal famework exists for their protection. And that’s a hard sell because…

Second, the law must be seen to uphold the rights of  the people as prescribed by the constitution of the People’s Republic of China.

Let’s take a closer look at articles 33-56, with the money quotes in bold.

CHAPTER II. THE FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS AND DUTIES OF CITIZENS

Article 33. All citizens of the People’s Republic of China are equal before the law. Every citizen enjoys the rights and at the same time must perform the duties prescribed by the Constitution and the law. The State respects and preserves human rights (2004 amendment).

Comment: With Chinese jurisprudence barely out of diapers I think it would be better if citizens were to get into legal shape by beginning to view themselves as equal before each other (scroll down to “widespread contempt for others”). As for the 2004 amendment about human rights, I can only assume that someone put that in for a laugh.

Reality rating: 1/5

Justification of rating: I decided to award a point because China’s leaders have occasionally demonstrated a willingness to be indiscriminate in their dealings with the citizenry.

Article 34. All citizens of the People’s Republic of China who have reached the age of 18 have the right to vote and stand for election, regardless of nationality, race, sex, occupation, family background, religious belief, education, property status, or length of residence, except persons deprived of political rights according to law.

Comment: Use random selection to stop an adult in any Chinese street and ask them when they last exercised their constitutional right to stand for election or vote. Expect 1) laughter at the silly question, 2) confusion as to the meaning of the question, or 3) detention without trial.

Reality rating: 1/5

Justification of rating: It really deserves a zero rating for its allusion to democratic principles, but there are village elections that people can get involved with. It’s a start, I guess.

Article 35. Citizens of the People’s Republic of China enjoy freedom of speech, of the press, of assembly, of association, of procession and of demonstration.

Comment: Wow! This the big one. Never in the history of constitutional documentation has so much bullshit been so brazenly encompassed in 23 words. This is why rule of law in China is going to be a difficult birth; it’s going to require judicial independence before a constitutional lawyer can defend the rights enshrined in article 35. Lovely words, though.

Reality rating: 0/5

Justification of rating: This one deserves less than zero, but I think my readers know me better than to see me go negative.

Article 36. Citizens of the People’s Republic of China enjoy freedom of religious belief. No state organ, public organization or individual may compel citizens to believe in, or not to believe in, any religion; nor may they discriminate against citizens who believe in, or do not believe in, any religion. The state protects normal religious activities. No one may make use of religion to engage in activities that disrupt public order, impair the health of citizens or interfere with the educational system of the state. Religious bodies and religious affairs are not subject to any foreign domination.

Comment: I think they missed a bit – the part where it says “freedom to worship the CCP to the exclusion of all others”.

Reality rating: 1/5

Justification of rating: article 36 uses the word ‘freedom’. Once you’ve done that, any violation of that principle automatically renders the words meaningless. Religious practice is tolerated to a degree in China, but practitioners are routinely harassed, arrested, or intimidated. And if you get too popular you get branded either a cult or a terrorist organisation. Hallelujah.

Article 37. The freedom of person of citizens of the People’s Republic of China is inviolable. No citizen may be arrested except with the approval or by decision of a people’s procuratorate or by decision of a people’s court, and arrests must be made by a public security organ. Unlawful deprivation or restriction of citizens’ freedom of person by detention or other means is prohibited; and unlawful search of the person of citizens is prohibited.

Comment: If you say so, boys.

Reality rating: o.5/5

Justification of rating: There are occasions when China doesn’t restrict freedom through detention ‘or other means’.

Article 38. The personal dignity of citizens of the People’s Republic of China is inviolable. Insult, libel, false charge or frame-up directed against citizens by any means is prohibited.

Comment: Unless you disagree with the government, in which case your dignity means jack shit.

Reality rating: 0/5

Justification of rating: I’m right.

Article 39. The home of citizens of the People’s Republic of China is inviolable. Unlawful search of, or intrusion into, a citizen’s home is prohibited.

Comment: It seems the government is having difficulty getting the word out.

Reality rating: o.000001/5

Justification of rating: The Article is fullof crap, but I concede that Hu Jintao’s residence is probably inviolable.

Article 40. The freedom and privacy of correspondence of citizens of the People’s Republic of China are protected by law. No organization or individual may, on any ground, infringe upon the freedom and privacy of citizens’ correspondence except in cases where, to meet the needs of state security or of investigation into criminal offences, public security or procuratorial organs are permitted to censor correspondence in accordance with procedures prescribed by law.

Comment: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Thank you.

Reality rating: 0/5

Justification of rating: Some would argue America would score only 1/5 here; China are worse offenders, ergo… Some of the issues facing lawmakers discussed here.

Article 41. Citizens of the People’s Republic of China have the right to criticize and make suggestions to any state organ or functionary. Citizens have the right to make to relevant state organs complaints and charges against, or exposures of, violation of the law or dereliction of duty by any state organ or functionary; but fabrication or distortion of facts with the intention of libel or frame-up is prohibited. In case of complaints, charges or exposures made by citizens, the state organ concerned must deal with them in a responsible manner after ascertaining the facts. No one may suppress such complaints, charges and exposures, or retaliate against the citizens making them. Citizens who have suffered losses through infringement of their civil rights by any state organ or functionary have the right to compensation in accordance with the law.

Comment: Then this must be wrong.

Reality rating: 0/5

Justification of rating: Of course they feckin’ don’t

Article 42. Citizens of the People’s Republic of China have the right as well as the duty to work. Using various channels, the state creates conditions for employment, strengthens labour protection, improves working conditions and, on the basis of expanded production, increases remuneration for work and social benefits. Work is the glorious duty of every able-bodied citizen. All working people in state enterprises and in urban and rural economic collectives should perform their tasks with an attitude consonant with their status as masters of the country. The state promotes socialist labour emulation, and commends and rewards model and advanced workers. The state encourages citizens to take part in voluntary labour. The state provides necessary vocational training to citizens before they are employed.

Comment: Well, there you have it.

Reality rating: 4/5

Justification of rating: One mark lost because clearly some are not satisfied with being “masters of the country.” Still others seem to interpret ”encouraging voluntary labour” as the right to enslave. I refer all people working in state enterprises to Article 33. Oh, wait. Some are more equal than others. Right?

Article 43. Working people in the People’s Republic of China have the right to rest. The state expands facilities for rest and recuperation of working people, and prescribes working hours and vacations for workers and staff.

Comment: It’s true. Migrant workers are treated to wholesome meals three times a day, comfortable accommodation, and adequate R & R. Or not.

Reality rating: 1/5

Justification of rating: Labour laws are improving slowly, which is why Article 43 doesn’t get a zero rating.

Articles 44-47: Nothing of note here; a few more fancy words. See for yourself.

Article 48. Women in the People’s Republic of China enjoy equal rights with men in all spheres of life, political, economic, cultural and social, and family life. The state protects the rights and interests of women, applies the principle of equal pay for equal work for men and women alike and trains and selects cadres from among women.

Comment: It’s not true in America. It’s probably not true in Sweden. And it sure as hell aint true in China. Besides, why is there a need for this distinction at all? Don’t articles 33 and 34 pretty much take care of this one?

Reality rating: 1/5

Justification of rating: Who are they trying to convince? Interesting discussion here.

Article 49. Marriage, the family, and mother and child are protected by the state. Both husband and wife have the duty to practise family planning. Parents have the duty to rear and educate their minor children, and children who have come of age have the duty to support and assist their parents. Violation of the freedom of marriage is prohibited. Maltreatment of old people, women and children is prohibited.

Comment: Sounds a lot like Utopia, but then things like this happen

Reality rating: 0/5

Justification of rating: No points for forcibly removing and drowning an eight month old foetus (see above link).

Article 50. The People’s Republic of China protects the legitimate rights and interests of Chinese nationals residing abroad and protects the lawful rights and interests of returned overseas Chinese and of the family members of Chinese nationals residing abroad.

Comment: Really? How very ambitious. I think efforts would be better spent protecting the legitimate rights of domestic citizens.

Reality rating: 2/5

Justification of rating: It may seem a bit generous, but the Chinese government do kick up an almighty din when it’s perceived that their citizens are being treated unfairly overseas. Too much din in my humble opinion.

Article 51. The exercise by citizens of the People’s Republic of China of their freedoms and rights may not infringe upon the interests of the state, of society and of the collective, or upon the lawful freedoms and rights of other citizens.

Comment: So, any resemblance that Articles 33-50 had to real, lawful, protected, honest-to-goodness rights was purely coincidental. Bummer.

Reality rating: 5/5

Justification of rating: It’s true. Citizens can’t ‘infringe upon the interests of the CCP state’.

Article 52. It is the duty of citizens of the People’s Republic of China to safeguard the unity of the country and the unity of all its nationalities.

Comment: Ah, yes. The call to arms, a duty which begins very early.

Reality rating: U/5

Justification of rating: I’ve decided upon an ‘unclassified’ rating because I’m a bit thrown by ‘unity of all its nationalities’. Just how much of the globe do these boys want to own?

Article 53. Citizens of the People’s Republic of China must abide by the constitution and the law, keep state secrets, protect public property and observe labour discipline and public order and respect social ethics.

Comment: They must practice freedom of speech?

Reality rating: 0/5

Justification of rating: God help any citizen practicing the ‘rights’ outlined in Articles 33-50.

Article 54. It is the duty of citizens of the People’s Republic of China to safeguard the security, honour and interests of the motherland; they must not commit acts detrimental to the security, honour and interests of the motherland.

Comment: How about ‘acts detrimental to the security interests and honour of everyone else’?

Reality rating: 5/5

Justification of rating: Constructive criticism and open discourse fall within the CCP’s definition of ‘detrimental’.

Article 55. It is the sacred obligation of every citizen of the People’s Republic of China to defend the motherland and resist aggression. It is the honourable duty of citizens of the People’s Republic of China to perform military service and join the militia in accordance with the law.

Comment: Well, it’s not a bad thing to repel invaders and I have no doubt that the Chinese people are up for it.

Reality rating: 5.5/5

Justification of rating: They get the extra half point because Chinese citizens abroad (as directed by their educators and local embassy staff) are routinely whipped into a frenzy every time the Chinese government feel a foreign country’s freedom of speech is interpreted as an attack on the Motherland.

Article 56. It is the duty of citizens of the People’s Republic of China to pay taxes in accordance with the law.

Comment: Well, good luck with that one.

Reality rating: 5/5

Justification of rating: I’ve no doubt that it’s their duty. Now if you could only get them to fulfil that obligation…

Conclusion

Who said that the Chinese can’t write good comedy? Oh, wait … you mean they were serious when they wrote that stuff? OK. Then it’s time to remove them from the Human Rights Council until they can begin to live up to the text of the constitution and give Chinese citizens something to believe in. It is the constitution itself that needs to be inviolable in order to make the articles contained therein a document of substance.

Great Leader

Kim Il Sung, otherwise known as ‘Great Leader‘ or ’Eternal President’, perfected autocratic rule after North Korea’s 1948 birth, taking the idea of a personality cult and putting it on a medication of amphetamines.

According to Wikipedia:

Often North Korean sources place him as an “almighty spirit”, that “created the world“, and that he was born and died in human form, almost in a similar manner to Jesus Christ.

That’s a pretty hard act to follow. But when your gene pool contains such providential characteristics it’s hardly surprising that your seed produces very special fruit. Thus, having thrust his loins in majestic union in the summer of 1941, a Dear Leader was only nine months away.

Dear Leader

Learning a trick or two from the old man, Kim Jong Il has stretched hero worship well beyond the boundaries of humorous hyperbole. For example, the Dear Leader’s modesty is the only reason why you may not be aware that he is in fact the greatest golfer on the planet, having completed Pyongyang Golf Club’s Par 72 course in only 34 shots in 1994:

Resident professional, Park Young Man, together with Kim’s 17 armed bodyguards, can attest that Kim played the full eighteen, all holed out, off the back tees on a crisp autumn morning in October 1994. “He is an excellent golfer,” said Mr. Park, noting that “Dear Leader Comrade General Kim Jong-Il, whom I respect from the bottom of my heart, scored two on this hole.” But there was even better to come, as Kim’s amazing round included a world record five holes in one!

Sadly, Dear Leader is about to shuffle off his immortal golfing coil in readiness for the next reincarnation; please enter, son and demigod-apparent, Kim Jong Un.

A controversial suggestion

But hear me out. Britain can’t afford it, doesn’t have the resources, manpower, or infrastructure. She also harbours dozens of terrorists rubbing their hands with glee at the opportunity to make a bang in the spotlight. Old Blighty badly needs an exit strategy, and this is it: send the Games back to where they came from.

Setting aside the pettiness of China’s hollow promises with regard to press freedom, the shabby treatment of many of its own citizens for extra presentation points, and some questionable practices in the name of gold, Beijing’s organisation of the Games themselves was outstanding. Plus, and here’s the real clincher, they’ve got a birdsnest lying around with nothing better to do other than accommodate the occasional interest of structural engineers looking for cracks in the architecture. Well, make ready with the Polyfilla boys, because you might be needing the nest for one more gathering of hatchlings.

The ultimate joint venture

Britain can spin it as the spirit of cooperation in a globally interdependent age and Beijing can propagandise the whole thing as ‘the west needs our help; benevolent, peace-loving China heeds the call’. Just imagine; both flags flying side by side. Hu and Brown (assuming he’s still inside No. 10) singing the Internationale at the opening ceremony, which would naturally include re-enactments of the Boxer Rebellion, the Opium Wars, and the handing over of Hong Kong. Personally, I would prefer a contemporary re-working of 6/4 with London buses replacing tanks. Probably a non-starter.

The possibilities are endless. Sino-UK relations can be cemented with the ceremonial return of a relic or two – a couple of opium pipes perhaps. On the athletic front, Liu Xiang would have a second chance on home soil, and He Kexin would get an opportunity to compete as a legally-aged gymnast. Further, Beijing taxi drivers can look forward to a gathering of easy victims the like of which they thought they’d never see again in their lifetimes.

And Beijing needn’t trouble itself over the cost of a fireworks display, they can just run the same footage as last year and call it ’environmental pyrotechnics.’ Residents of the capital will be delighted because the sky will turn blue again and they’ll be able to see their neighbours’ houses when they open the curtains in the morning.

Sure, there will be a few issues to smooth over - at which point the opium pipes might come in handy - but it’s a marriage made in heaven, I tell you. Somebody please forward this proposal to Boris, Seb, and Gordon right now. Seriously, can anyone see a downside here?

Chinese territory?

As many will be aware a virgin island promises to be been born in the Pacific following a series of undersea volcanic eruptions. Here is some breaking news: 

Officials in Beijing have said the new island bears all the hallmarks of a piece of their own turf and ‘experts’ claim to have historical records stretching back two millennia that prove that the island is, and has always been, a part of Chinese territory. Therefore, and in accordance with Chinese law, territorial waters have been redrawn to encompass all areas covered by joining the dots between Hainan, the Korean Peninsula, and the emerging island. China’s state media have been referring to this are as the ‘Harmonious Triangle.’

In addition, an extended Economic Exclusion Zone has been set up to reflect potential growth of the new island. At a press conference yesterday China’s foreign ministry indicated that all areas within, and extending 1000 km beyond the Harmonious Triangle were an inalienable part of greater China. The ministry further suggested that the new island may follow the ‘Australian model’ and be used as a penal colony for those in need of re-education; and if the island sinks again they can always be sent back to their Tibetan monasteries.

China has wasted little time in declaring that the island’s future inhabitants would be subject to the Chinese constitution, pointing out that the simmering cauldron of violent, meaningless confusion lent itself naturally to the said document. Beijing also warned that anyone interfering with China’s unwavering commitment to human rights on the island would be responsible for the beating they received.

A spokesman for the ministry, who asked not to be named, expressed alarm that Tonga, The Philippines, and Japan appeared to be occupying a number of islands within the Harmonious Triangle. “The feelings of all Chinese people have been deeply hurt,” said the spokesman, adding that “Chinese territory has been violated and no Chinese will rest until these lands have been returned to the Motherland.”  The presence of Taiwan within the Harmonious Triangle was presented as proof positive that the Chinese assertions and calculations were irrefutable.

OK, so I made it up. But don’t be surprised if reality begins to imitate art.