Foundinchina.com

Chinese territory?

As many will be aware a virgin island promises to be been born in the Pacific following a series of undersea volcanic eruptions. Here is some breaking news: 

Officials in Beijing have said the new island bears all the hallmarks of a piece of their own turf and ‘experts’ claim to have historical records stretching back two millennia that prove that the island is, and has always been, a part of Chinese territory. Therefore, and in accordance with Chinese law, territorial waters have been redrawn to encompass all areas covered by joining the dots between Hainan, the Korean Peninsula, and the emerging island. China’s state media have been referring to this are as the ‘Harmonious Triangle.’

In addition, an extended Economic Exclusion Zone has been set up to reflect potential growth of the new island. At a press conference yesterday China’s foreign ministry indicated that all areas within, and extending 1000 km beyond the Harmonious Triangle were an inalienable part of greater China. The ministry further suggested that the new island may follow the ‘Australian model’ and be used as a penal colony for those in need of re-education; and if the island sinks again they can always be sent back to their Tibetan monasteries.

China has wasted little time in declaring that the island’s future inhabitants would be subject to the Chinese constitution, pointing out that the simmering cauldron of violent, meaningless confusion lent itself naturally to the said document. Beijing also warned that anyone interfering with China’s unwavering commitment to human rights on the island would be responsible for the beating they received.

A spokesman for the ministry, who asked not to be named, expressed alarm that Tonga, The Philippines, and Japan appeared to be occupying a number of islands within the Harmonious Triangle. “The feelings of all Chinese people have been deeply hurt,” said the spokesman, adding that “Chinese territory has been violated and no Chinese will rest until these lands have been returned to the Motherland.”  The presence of Taiwan within the Harmonious Triangle was presented as proof positive that the Chinese assertions and calculations were irrefutable.

OK, so I made it up. But don’t be surprised if reality begins to imitate art.

For a start you need to master the art of holding a microphone the right way round, especially when former Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing has called on you for a question. We shouldn’t be too hard on the beleaguered Chinese press, though – they are, after all, still unfamiliar with the concept of challenging the party line and the workings of journalistic equipment. 

I imagine the editors pep talk encouraged this guy to ‘ask a tough question’, which our hero of free speech clearly interpreted as an order to make life as difficult as possible for himself. Nobody has any idea what his question was, but the answer would certainly have been one of the following:

1. “We strongly condemn this action that has hurt the feelings of all Chinese people”

2. “We steadfastly refute the allegation that Chinese leaders use hair-dying products. Obama is turning grey because he lacks leadership skills with Chinese characteristics.”

3. “Tibetans are the happiest people on Earth; liberated, educated, fed, and only occasionally beaten or shot for not obeying our orders”

4. “We are a peace-loving, tolerant people who never interfere in the internal affairs of other countries”

5. “Freedom of expression is enshrined in the Chinese constitution; dissidents are enshrined in the gulag”

http://www.teflcertificationabroad.com/

One of two things is required of the English teacher in China: a skin like a rhino or a TEFLon coating. Without a leather hide or a non-stick dermatology, that sensitive outer layer of laowai will soon be stripped bare, resulting in all manner of psychological and physiological discomforts.

So what are the ordeals lying in wait to get under the skin of English teachers lacking the natural defences prescribed? What are the stressors associated with bringing the world’s premier language to the land of Chinese characteristics?

Let’s take a look at a few of the potential challenges facing the insufficiently protected:

1. Death

For the seriously unlucky, overly naive, or unrealistically principled, the desire for schools to earn a fast buck and exploit expat teachers can have terrible consequences. This is one instance where prevention is most definitely better than cure.

2. A damn good thrashing

Not such a desperate end, but unlucky nonetheless if you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Always read the international news and remain vigilant against the volatile nature of Chinese nationalism. Alternatively, put that rhino skin to good use and stand there and take it like a man.

3. Getting fleeced

The Art of War has a lot to answer for; it justifies deception as a means to an end, as many expats have found to their cost. And locals will waste no time testing your metal upon arrival in China as you run the gauntlet of taxi drivers that make a New York cabby seem about as ‘in your face’ as a cuddly toy.

4. No pay

A contract in China is strictly for ‘information purposes only’. That’s not to say that the expat teacher should expect any correlation between the information contained therein and reality. If you find that your wages are withheld sometimes, when queried, your employer will likely point out the clause that stipulates a fine of one month’s salary for interfering in China’s internal affairs.

5. Identity crisis

Soon after taking position at the blackboard in front of their first class, an expat teacher’s understanding of their role is likely to move seamlessly through the following four stages of self-evaluation:

I am an educator; I am an entertainer; I am an exhibit; I am a babysitter

The denial of those individuals who steadfastly refuse to progress beyond the first stage usually manifests itself as inappropriate anger towards those who have moved on.

6. You’re a spy

Shame on you. You don’t look Chinese so why are you in China? You’re a capitalist roader if ever I saw one. Why choose this province when there are so many others to choose from? It’s a well known fact that most foreign teachers in China come here to spy. We would never dream of such underhand behaviour in your country.

Old prejudices and stereotypes die very, very hard for the expat teacher in the Middle Kingdom. Which leads us neatly to…

7. Disrespect

Not so much in the classroom, but more in the general view, the expat teacher faces the enduring schema of a talentless loser on the make. Here is a sample of the kind of mud that is being routinely flung in the expat’s direction, creating the kind of stigma that you could really do without:

I’m sick of white dudes like you who have asian fetish coming to china, boning girls, thinking you’re hot shit, when you can’t even get girls back home fromwhatever shithole you crawled out of. China boosts up your ego; you have western worshipping chinese peasant girls suck your dick and it makes you think you’re king. you ain’t no king; you’re slime. You’re lower than low. You’re fucking pathetic. You’re a “grade A loser,” as they say. All you’ve got to do with your time is write your jealousy filled, hater posts about contradicting someone who has done better than you. I hope you get AIDS from one of the hookers you’ve been banging, you cocksucking CIA spy motherfucker.

Made me laugh, anyway. Hat tips to Brendan and Kim for inspiring the response and bringing it to my attention respectively.

Sadly, the quote accurately reflects not only the default position of the fenqing, but also the attitude of a condescending element within the non-teaching expat community (Imagethief wrote about this a while back).

These individuals look down upon the English teacher in the same way that the Chinese businessman looks down upon street cleaners. If I was being charitable I’d say that they were ‘culturally immersed’.

8. The special guest

You are invited by your FAO to attend a lunch. Having escorted you to a decent hotel in the city and introduced you to a dozen suits that can’t utter a syllable of English. Smiles all round, FAO interprets:  “Honoured foreign guest please to visit humble company HQ. Very close. Few minutes only. Then lunch.”

Having been ushered into a waiting Buick your FAO disappears. An hour later you’re being escorted around a ramshackle assortment of buildings on the outskirts of the city that demand a rewrite of the health and safety in the workplace handbook.

Many photographs are taken while you smile, inspect, look impressed, and generally act the part of the foreign executive applying the finishing touches to a lucrative international order.

Two more hours pass before the Buick drops you off at a restaurant and all the suits begin to inebriate themselves with Baijiu. It’s another hour before any food arrives and there’s still no sign of your FAO, which is just as well because murder is a capital offence in China.

On the plus side you have now been elevated to CEO of a foreign company’s China office and there are lots of pictures in a glossy brochure to prove it.

9. “Helloooooo… laowai”

This is the psychological equivalent of  death by a thousand cuts. Under the heading ‘Discrimination’, this from Frommer’s China:

Unless you are of Chinese descent, your foreignness is constantly thrust in your face with catcalls of “laowai”, a not particularly courteous term for foreigner and a bit like shouting “Chinky” at a Chinese you encounter at home. Mocking, and usually falsetto, calls of “Helloooooo” are not greetings but are similar to saying “Pretty Polly!” to a parrot.

Only in China could an informal greeting become a national game of taking the piss. Get used to it, quickly.

10. If you can do all this…

… and more, yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, and – which is more – you’ll be certifiable, my son!

You’ll probably be blogging about it, too.

Certainties Predictions for 2009:

1. Conquest

2. War

3. Famine

4. Death

1. Conquest

The global bullies of this world will continue to try to carve up the planet in the name of religion (Islamic fundamentalism), democracy (America + buddies), harmony (China), or none of the above (Russia). And they will happily enlist the support of minor despots in their quest for the largest slice of power pie, all the while denying their own culpability and pointing fingers at their global rivals. At the same time each will try to undermine the others strategically, militarily, economically, and diplomatically. If any of these apocalyptic quartet come to blows in a non-conventional sense, the games over; we’re all going to hell.

The China angle

No move on Taiwan as Beijing adheres to panda diplomacy and economic sweeteners. Elsewhere in the neighborhood, Burma will continue to dance in tune with China’s checkbook, so no invasion necessary.  As for poor old Africa, expect more Chinese land grabs and immigration as the deals with dodgy dictators continue. Oh yes, and the Chinese navy is in the region now so we might see a conquered dingy or two.

Anyone depressed yet? Don’t be. Like the planet, I’m just warming up.

2. War

Well, this particular horse is set to work overtime – so much unfinished business around the world and only 12 months to get the job done. What a fucking mess, if you’ll excuse the vulgarity. Everyone seems to have a beef with someone and our friendly conquistadors have made damn sure that every grudge-bearing faction is tooled up with enough ammo for a decade of destruction (which is usually followed by more beef).

The China angle

China’s naval deployment does a little moonlighting to ensure the safe passage of boatloads of arms intended for (insert African despot of your choosing). The rest of China’s military is like a coiled cobra, eager to deliver a fatal blow should the CCP feel the need to play the nationalist card and manufacture a border dispute with one of its neighbors. Unlikely in all fairness, but if Hu and the boys are tempted by this strategy, my advice is to avoid Vietnam – you tried in 1979 and failed miserably.

3. Famine

An enduring mystery. Overcrowded though the planet is, she possesses the means to send every inhabitant to the obesity clinic twice a week. The corporate investor and the unscrupulous landowner will insist that it’s more complicated than that. But it shouldn’t be. Famine and his three amigos know how to fill their own plates and they are not in the business of filling anyone else’s. That would just spoil the party.  

The China angle

China’s ability to feed its multitudes has been compromised by the acquisition, legal or otherwise, of farmland in the name of urban development. No matter, the boys at Zhongnanhai have plenty tucked under the mattress to buy up swathes of cheap acreage in Africa, South America, and elsewhere in order to satisfy the Middle Kingdom’s expanding waistlines. Therefore, no famine for China in 2009, but growing discontent in Africa as millions starve while watching their fertile land produce for export.

4. Death

It seems that horseman #4 has the job of mopping up the diseased, the weakened, and the maimed that trail in the wake of his esteemed colleagues. Another busy year, I suspect. No doubt the scythe carrier will slip in the odd natural disaster to really spice things up. In my dreams he miscalculates and brings total destruction to Mugabe’s regime (to name but one) and the ‘Dialogue’ studio at CCTV.

The China angle

Death and Chinese history go hand in hand. As an emerging global power with an alarming degree of moral irresponsibility pragmatism, 2009 looks set to see China continue the export of death to those regimes who like Beijing’s guns for killing their own people. On the home front, 70% of the government’s critics will  be rounded up for ‘re-education’. The remaining 30% will be shot.

Overview  

It could be argued, and probably will be, that China has endured enough conquest, war, famine, and death in its recent past to justify catching a break. So have many other countries, most notably the nations of Africa. Sadly, the only way to save us all from the Four Horsemen’s destructive visitation is if the calamity they bring with them is met with equal outrage, whether they befall our own nation or a people on the other side of world. It’s a tough ask. And I don’t see any current world leaders that are virtuous enough to be up to the task. My worry for 2009 is that the world will move yet further from this idealistic goal.

China has the capacity, but neither the moral leadership nor the political framework, to address such humanitarian issues. This is seriously troubling for a country with China’s clout. In order to change the situation I believe three broad steps are necessary. First, give China’s citizens unfettered access to information relating to their country’s global impact. This can be achieved both through the media and the curriculum. Second, allow the Chinese people to debate the moral issues arising from this information. And third, for their leaders to listen to the outcome of the debate.

And pigs might fly.

Which is one of the reasons I see 2009 being such a good year for the Four Horsemen. It would be lovely to be wrong.

Before I sign off on the year, special thanks to Ryan for his help in getting me up and running, not to mention those that commented (positively or negatively) on my posts. A word of gratitude too for those on my blogroll; I’m constantly amazed at the quality and intelligence of the writing out there – truly an education. Health and Happiness to you all in 2009.